When the stars align
Have you ever had something…a dream, a goal, even a voice inside your head giving you ideas, that follows you at every stage of your life? And that something may be undefined, like an energy or a wish, but no matter how hard you try it just won’t go away? Okay, maybe this is a really specific question that doesn’t apply to anyone who isn’t just a little bit crazy, but for me this is reality.
Even as a teenager, there was this constant presence following me along like a cloud. Not like a storm, but one made of ideas and dreams and a ton of glitter. It was always distracting me, teasing me, giving me glimpses of what I could do or be, what my life could be like. At first I thought this was because I was young and had my entire life ahead of me to figure out what I was meant for. I graduated high school and began college locally with dreams of moving to California. I wanted to work in fashion, Lauren Conrad was my idol, and creating beautiful things was my goal.
Then came the family. I met my husband young, like 19 young, and despite several obstacles - age only one of them, we eventually got engaged, then married, and started a family. We both found corporate jobs, living an hour and a half from our office where we spent over 3 hours a day commuting so we could provide for our family. It was highly stressful, and it left very little time for fun. My glittery cloud of hopes and dreams was gone for the first time. I was in survival mode.
Fast forward a few more years, we now had 3 kids together plus my bonus son, and Covid sends everyone home. Despite how difficult this was for everyone, I found myself entering into a new phase of my life. My kids were getting older and more self-sufficient. I was no longer spending 3-4 hours in the car a day because I was working from home and we couldn’t go anywhere. I had quality time with my family, and some down time for myself. I could feel the dreams knocking again, but they weren’t quite tangible yet.
I took up gardening first. Then sourdough, before sourdough became what it is today. I canned fruit and vegetables and started hand embroidery. I began writing a book. I started and stopped many different workout programs. Anything to scratch that creative itch that had been missing from my life for so long. It was productive, but not in a way that mattered to me, and I wondered again…was this what I was meant for?
I always knew I wanted a large family. So in 2022, after life was beginning to return to normal, my husband and I decided that our family wasn’t complete and added 1 more kid to the mix. A daughter, who would have been a twin if the other baby had developed. I’m till not sure if it was a blessing or not that we didn’t have two, twins sound fun right?
Anyway, here I was 5 kids in total now, still working in corporate America in a job that was mentally stimulating but draining to my soul. I was once again finding it difficult to juggle a demanding middle management career while raising my large family and all that comes with it. Multiple kids in sports, a husband who travels for work fairly regularly, and a commitment to myself that I was finding impossible to let go as I had before.
My mind was racing again. My cloud was back now, growing in intensity, and this time it felt like a storm. Sure, there was still glitter there, but it was restless. It was demanding more from me. It’s like my subconscious new this was not the life for me. So for the first time since I was 18 I really sat down and started to think about what it was that I really wanted for the rest of my life. Not because I was unhappy in my role as a wife or mother, but because I knew I craved something more than helping solve problems for other people and ensure a corporation makes money.
It just so happens that the same season I filed for my very first LLC my position at my company was eliminated. I had a major choice to make. Do I wait this out and find another job, following the status quo of the last 15 years of my life? Or, do I finally take a risk and let my little dream cloud become my new life? I decided God was telling me something and took a giant leap of faith, left the company I’d spent my entire adult life with, and started believing in my dream.
So, here I am. Writing my very first blog post. Introducing myself to all 5 of you reading, wishing with every dark and secret part of my soul , the parts so dark that I’ve never shined a light on them until now, that the dream I can finally see taking shape becomes my reality.
I’m looking forward to creating a space of love, compassion, and beautiful things, and I hope you join me! I’ll be seeing you all soon
Love
Kari